he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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