thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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