My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
