"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Someone came in the potted fern
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
