thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
