Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
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He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
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Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
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