i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
