My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
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