I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
