the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
