i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
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I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
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Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
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