You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
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