It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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