she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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