We tried having a conversation with our noses.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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