I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
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Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
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You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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