Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
