wat bout pragnant strippers??
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
