we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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