my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
