Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
