And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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