I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
