I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
