oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
