Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
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