I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
