I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
