New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
