I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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