Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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