On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
