at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
