apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
