He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Found your dick twin last night
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
