you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Randomize
