Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
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