You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
