i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
