god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
