life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
