I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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