She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
