i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Your cock deserves a montage
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
