I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
