The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
She made me pour olive oil on her.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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