My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Michael Bay diarrhea
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
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I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
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Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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