Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
