i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
