Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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