Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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