Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
