Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
