Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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