This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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